Recently I have Been Told In Time It Will Get Better. Now Don't Get Me Wrong, Each Of These People Meant Well When They Told Me This. Time...Is A Second, Minute, Hour, Day, Week, Month, Year, Or Years!
Last Night I Began Watching The Home Movies I Shot Of The Family Back In The Day. Yes I Cried While Watching Some Of Them. I Didn't Watch Them To Torture Myself In Grief. Maybe I Should Have Let Some Time Pass Before I Began Viewing Them. Then Again, Maybe Not. When Is A Good Time? Billie Has Been Going Through Old Photo's, Which We Have A Lot Of. I Haven't Yet, But I Plan To Ask Billie If She Feels Cheated By There Not Being Many Photo's Of Her With The Kids? Other Than Professional Portraits Taken In A Photographers Studio. Snap Shots Over The Years Were Mostly Taken By Billie. The Video's Taken By Myself. It Kinda Hurts I Wasn't In These Video's But You Could Hear Me Talking Or Laughing While Shooting Them.
I Still Have Many Tapes To Go Through, But I Must Say It Pretty Much Evens Out That I Have A Lot Of Footage On Both Beckie And Bobby.
Billie Made The Comment To Me The Other Day That Bobby Enjoyed Life. I Really Didn't Give Her A Response Because I Didn't Have One. After Viewing These Video's Of Him Growing Up I Would Have To Agree. He Was Always Laughing And Hamming It Up In Front Of The Video Camera. I Almost Forgot That Until I Started Watching The Video's.
I Imagine This Is What Confuses Billie The Most. How Someone Who Loved Life, Would End It.
Most Of My Readers Are Aware Of The Dark Side Of My Life. I Call It The Dark Side Because Looking Back At Those Days Over 30 Years Ago I Saw Sadness. I Saw Depression. When My Life Began Crashing Down Around Me, My World Got Smaller. When I Thought My Life Was Over, Not Once Did I Think Of My Parents. Not Once Did I Think Of My Sisters Or My Brothers. I Had No Idea The Impact It Would Leave On Their Lives By Taking Mine.
So In Actuality I Knew Bobby's Thinking. He Didn't Commit Suicide To Hurt His Mother Or Myself. Even Though We Took It Personal, He Never Meant To Put Us In This Hell We Have Lived Since His Death. I Shared This With My Family In Hopes They Would Better Understand, And Not Take It Personally. When You Are In Depression Your Thinking Is Not Rational. Your Choices Become Limited. If I Had Only Seen The Signs. In Bobby's Last Days I Know I Would Have Seen These Signs Had I Talked To Him More On The Telephone. I'm Not Saying If I Did Recognize The Signs, I Could Have Prevented Him From Taking His Life. I Had Been Suicidal For Years. If A Day Would Come That I No Longer Wanted To Continue Life, I Would End It. Some People Flaunt Their Thoughts Of Suicide To Others. The Ones Who Are Serious About It Just Do It.
As Much As It Pains Me, I Will Continue To View These Home Video's. I Know Some Days Will Be Better Than Others. I Will See The Bobby We All Knew And Loved. Very Few People That Knew Bobby, Ever Saw The Dark Side Of Him. Otherwise He Was Always Happy Go Lucky Bobby.
I Don't Think He Ever Wanted Us To Look At Him In A Different Way. I Think He Wanted Us To Remember Him Fondly. Joking, Cutting Up And Enjoying Life Is What Bobby's Life Was All About.
The Dark Side Of Bobby. I Thank God I Didn't Have To See It. I Look At It This Way. I Don't Think Bobby Wanted Anyone To See That Side. He Wanted Us To Remember Him As He Was.
So All In All The Gift Bobby Gave To The Ones He Loved Was The Memories He left Behind. He Didn't Want It To Be Any Other Way. So I Will Try To Remember That As I View His Life He Wanted Us To Remember.
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