Not Just An Elm, A Mighty Elm!

Once Upon A Time, Many Years Ago....
So Many Stories Start This Way But I Will Spare You. It's A Story, And A True One At That. As You Can Tell, The Date Of This Blog Is February. Recently We Have Been Having Above Normal Temperatures For This Time Of Year. Even Though The Month Of December And January Were Brutal With Snow And Bitter Cold Temperatures, Anything With A Hint Of Spring Is Welcoming. Just Two Weeks Ago I Saw A Flock Of Robins In The Front Yard Of A School. What's That Suppose To Represent? It Was The First Week Of February. The Week That Followed Delivered Temperatures In The 50's.
There May Be Something Those Robins Knew That I Didn't. So What's My Point?
My Point Is Since We Are Beginning To See Signs Of Old Man Winter's Departure, My Mind Drifts To Memories Of Springs Past. I Usually Spend The Month Of March Walking. My Body Needs The Walking After A Winters Hibernation And A Gain Of About 15 Pounds. The Walking Gets Me Back In Shape So I Can Get In And Out Of My Truck. So I Can Walk The Distance In The Woods In Search For The Morel Mushroom. This Mushroom Has Only One Season. The Month Of April When The Lilac Blooms.
I Began Taking Bobby Mushroom Hunting When He Was Just Old Enough To Walk. These Hunts Gave Us The Opportunity For Father/Son Time. No Matter What Was Going On In Our Lives, We Would Always Look Each Other Up And Make Time For Our Annual Together Time. I Don't Think It Really Had Anything To Do With Mushrooms, But Just The Time We Made For One Another. Of Course We Would Enjoy Some Mushrooms In The Bottom Of Our Mesh Bag. If Not, There Is Always Tomorrow.
What If There Was No Tomorrow? I Think You Know Where I Am Heading With This. Yes, Another "First" Is Fast Approaching And In A Painful Kind Of Way I Must Get Through This. I Don't Want To Be Selfish By Ignoring This Special Season And Pretend It Never Existed. Denying It, Takes Away The Special Memories We Shared.
In Order For Me To Get Through This Special Father/Son Event I Must Take Baby Steps. I Can't Just Grab My Mesh Bag And Enter The Woods Without My Son. This Has Been A 25 Year Tradition For Us.
Let Me Tell You About The Time Bobby And I Have Been In The Woods For A Couple Hours. We Had About 30 Minutes Left Before Darkness. I Would Hoist Him Up On My Shoulders As We Walked Through The Woods Toward The Truck. So I Thought. The Unfortunate Thing About Mushroom Hunting Is Your Head Is Always Looking Down To The Ground. It Was Easy To Get Turned Around And Not Be Sure Which Way Was Which. Bobby Asked Me If We Were Lost. I Assured Him The Truck Was Not Far Away. The Truth Of The Matter Was, We Were Indeed Lost. However Being Lost Wasn't Necessarily A Bad Thing. Along The Way We Seen A Mother Deer And A Doe. The Deer Was A Distraction Of The Reality Of Being Lost. It Gave Us Memories That Would Last A Lifetime. I Asked Him Last Spring If He Remembered That Moment. Surprisingly He Did, And Him Remembering Being On My Shoulders Confirmed It.
This Brings Me To The Mighty Elm. There Were Times When Bobby Would Venture Into The Woods When I Was Too Busy. He Began Hunting A Stretch Of Woods I Wasn't Familiar With. Bobby Hunted This Stretch Every Chance He Had. He Would Tell Me How Well He Did Or How Badly He Did. He Knew Mushroom Hunting Was Never A Guarantee. He Did Share With Me Though About Always Finding A Patch Around This Tall Elm Tree. There Was Never A Year That Went By He Didn't Score Near That Tree. One Day He Took Me There. He Shared His Special Hunting Ground With The One Who Taught Him How To Hunt. Just The Thought Makes Me Smile.
The Baby Steps I Was Referring To Revolves Around This Mighty Elm. This Year's Mushroom Season I Will Only Hunt Around This Tree. My Find Will Be Transplanted On Bobby's Grave. I Really Don't Have The Desire To Hunt Without My Son. Maybe I Will Find Peace In My Plan For This Season. If I Don't, I Will Always Have The Memories.
Memories Are Gods Gift That Death Cannot Destroy.

Broken Hearted On Valentines Day

It Was Far Too Painful To Express Myself And Present The Words Properly On Valentines Day. This Day Was Established For The Happy Hearted. Certainly Not For The Broken Hearted. Even Though There Is A Message Here For Someone, I Just Couldn't Figure Out For Whom.
My Cousin Deborah Has Been Battling Cancer The Past Few Years. She Has Two Young Children. I Have Read Her Entries In The On-Line Journal She Has Kept. I Have Read Her Struggles As Well As Her Joys.
I Am Sorry To Admit I Never Got A Chance To Get To Know Her. The Miles That Separated Us And The Differences In Our Ages Seem To Be A Poor Excuse, But It's The Only One I Can Find That Seems Reasonable. I Am In My Mid Fifties And She Is Much Younger.
My Reason For Bringing Her Up Today Is Her Fight For Life. I'm Sure She Was Told About The Tragedy In My Life With Losing Bobby. I Guess Suicide Would Be Too Difficult For Her To Understand When Life Seems So Important To Her. What A Waste Was Most Likely Going Through Her Mind When She Heard. I Never Heard From Her After Bobby's Passing And I Don't Expect To Anytime After. By All That I Have Read And All That She Has Endured These Past Couple Of Years She Seems To Be Well Educated And Family Oriented Type Of Young Lady.
Even Though She Has Faced Many Challenges She Chose To Meet Them Head On And Was Determined To Beat It. I Wonder If She Ever Wished For A Healthy Body Like My Son? My Reason For Wondering This Is Because She Would Not Be The Person That She Is Today Without These Challenges In Her Life. She Would Not Have Met The Special People Along This Journey.
It Amazes Me How Our Lives Intertwine And Go Into Different Directions. Shall I Call It Fate? My Reasoning Is If Life Didn't Throw Us Curve Balls We Wouldn't Be The People We Are Today.
Deborah's Dad Is My Uncle. I Never Got The Opportunity To Really Know Him Either Because Of The Miles That Separated Us. I Had Always Hoped For A Closer Relationship With My Family, But For Whatever Reason, Those Life's Curve Balls Prevent It From Happening.
I Deeply Care For This Cousin's Health Issues And Wish Only The Very Best For Her. I Have Tried To Reach Out And Put In A Friends Request On Facebook Months Ago, But Have Never Got A Response. We May Be Blood Related, But That's The Extent Of It. She And I Have Different Paths In Life And I Am Not Saying That In A Bad Way By All Means. I Have A Brother Who Is Just A Year Younger Than I And I Rarely See Him. We Get Along Great But His Interest In Life Are Much Different Than Mine.
The Reason For This Blog Is On One Hand We Have A Strong Willed Young Lady Who Has Battled This Cancer That Has Invaded Her Body. She Loves Her Life To The Fullest And Proves It By The Treatments She Has Endured For It's Cure.
One The Other Hand You Have A Young Man Who Everyone Assumes Has His Entire Life Ahead Of Him Put A Bullet In His Chest And Calls It Quits.
Life Sometimes Just Does Not Make Sense. Life Sometimes Feels Unfair. With All The Twist And Turns The Journey Of Life Gives Us, Leaves Us Just Shaking Our Heads.
We Do Have Choices In Life. Bobby Made His And Deborah Made Hers. Let's Not Forget About My Choices. I Can Choose To Keep A Distance Between My Cousin And Myself. I Have Extended The Olive Branch Months Ago With No Response. That's Ok, Because I Am Mostly To Blame For Their Never Being A Relationship. Again Maybe It Was Never Meant To Be. This Is Where We Go Back To Fate. I Have Mentioned This Word On Numerous Occasions In My Blogs Because I Truly Believe It Has Created Balance In Our Lives. Without It We Would Not Be Where We Are Today.
So, Just Because We Don't Understand It Today, Doesn't Mean There Is Not A Purpose For It In Life. One Day It Will All Become Clear.
In The Meantime, We Continue To Play Life Out As It Has Been Dealt To Us. I Touched On This Before When I Mentioned That God Has Directed Our Life For Us. All We Are Doing Right Now Is Playing It Out. Our Life's Journey According To God Has Been Written. God Knew The Day Bobby Was Born How Many Years Billie And I Had To Love Him.
He Gave Us 29 Years, 5 Months, And 16 Days. Had We Known We Would Be Shorted In Years I'm Certain We Would Planned Things Differently. Unfortunately Life Doesn't Give Us These Previews. This Is Why We All Should Live Each Day To The Fullest, Because It May Be Our Last On Earth.
Everybody Assumes We All Grow Old Together And Getting Cheated Out Of A Full Life Only Happens To Other Families.
Ever Since Bobby Died, I Knew Then That Life Can Deliver Some Real Heartaches. You Can Expect Older People To Die Unexpectedly.
I Guess This Year Will Be A Hard One. There Will Be A Lot Of First, In All Kinds Of Holidays To Come. I Guess All I Can Do Is Take Them One At A Time.
My Hat Is Off To Those Who Struggle To Live. I Admire Fighting A Challenge. So Deborah, If You Ever Read This I Want You To Know I Have Been A Faithful Reader Of Your Journal. You Are Brave As Well As A Fighter. I Commend You For That. My Only Wish Is If My Son Had Your Drive For Living, He Still May Be Here Today.
Keep Fighting The Fight.

I'm Not The Same Person Anymore

As I Mask My Emotions And Try To Convince Those Around Me That Every Day Is Rosy, I Know The Truth As It's Etched Deep Into My Heart.
I Have Suffered From Depression For Many Years. Actually, Manic Depression Is What Was Finally Diagnosed And Applied In Print For The State Of My Mental Health.
Since 1986 I Have Been Taking Medication For This Disorder. I Have Tried Earnestly To Blend In With Every Day People Of Society. I Feel I Have Accomplished This.
I Have Been The Director Of The Robin Hood Foundation Of Danville. This Is A Not For Profit Organization That Focuses On Helping Low Income Families. A Mission I Have Been Devoted To For The Past 25 Years. My Passion And MY Strength Comes From The Charitable Work That I Do In My Community. It Allows Me To Focus On The Good And Positive Things In Life.
There Have Been Incidents In Years Past That I Feel I Have Helped Others Because They Chose To Come To Me With Their Problems. Why Me? I Think It Was Me Because They Were Somewhat Aware That I Have Struggled With Divorce, Depression & Suicide. Two Of These Incidents Is What Brought These Friends To Me. For Whatever Reason They Decided Not To Seek Professional Help Gives Me Reason To Believe They Wanted To Hear It From A Person Who Knows The Pain. You Can Be Book Smart But Lack The True Understanding Of How It Truly Feels. I Would Like To Think I Helped Those Two Who Came To Me. I Know They Are Leading Productive Lives Today In My Community.
It Pleases Me That Others View Me As Approachable And Show The Willingness To Talk.
I Don't Know If My Life Will Take Me Into A Different Direction. The Death Of My Son Was Such A Devastating Blow To My Heart. My Son Reached Out To Me Moments Before His Death. His Telephone Call Was Not Answered. Twice That Night He Called And Got The Answering Machine. For More Than Two Weeks I Left His Last Message To Me On This Machine. I Finally Asked If Anyone Wanted It Because I Could Not Bare To Ever Listen To It Again. He Reached Out To Me, And I Had The Telephone Handset In Another Room So It Would Not Disturb Me While I Slept. This Was A Common Practice For Me To Do Every Night, Because I Have Received Calls Very Early In The Morning That Had To Do With The Robin Hood Foundation. Sometimes The Phone Would Ring As Early As 6:00am.
The Sad Truth Of This Is Bobby Knew I Did This. However, Bobby Was Intoxicated And Was Unable To Remember This. He May Have Been Confused As To Why Nobody Answered His Cries That Night. His Mother Would Always Have Her Cell Phone Under Her Pillow Each Night. It Was Not Uncommon For Her To Be Talking Late At Night With Bobby. He Knew She Was Always Just A Phone Call Away. However, That Night Her Cell Phone Was Under Her Pillow But Turned Off. She Had No Idea Why. She Still Questions It Today. Her Pain Is Unbearable And Heartbreaking.
What I Do Know Is I Am Not The Same Person Anymore. I Have Talked With Police Investigators, Medical Examiners And Coroners Since My Son Passed Away. I Have Held Tearful Conversations On Different Occasions With These Professional Individuals.
I Have Received The Autopsy Results Performed On My Son. My Only Prayer Answered After Reading It Was The Alcohol Content In His Blood System. I Knew All Along My Son Was Not In His Right Mind. That One Hot Summer Night Last Year When I Witnessed Bobby So Intoxicated He Had No Idea Who I Was. You Could Not Carry On A Conversation With Him. He Would Stare A Hole Right Through You. It May Have Been Bobby's Body That Night But No Way Was My Son There. The Police Were Called Three Times That Night. We Were Not Acquainted With This Person And This Was The Only Time In My Life I Was Fearful Of My Own Son. However This Had Been The Dark Secret Bobby Has Kept From Me And His Mother. Other's Who Loved Bobby Met This Dark Side Of Him And They Too Never Wanted To Come Face To Face With That Kind Of Evil Again.
The Following Day I Sat Bobby Down And Told Him I Never Ever Wanted To See That Side Of Him Again. He Explained To Me The Only Time This Happens Is When He Drank The Hard Liquor. Bobby Was Known To Be A Beer Drinker. Anything Stronger Than That Was Asking For Trouble.
So Why Am I Going On Like This? First, Let Me Tell You I Am Anti-Alcohol. I Believe Alcohol Killed My Son. I Sat My Son Down One Day And Told Him Alcohol Has Ruined His Life. He Lost Relationships. He Lost Employment. He Lost His Drivers License. It Went On And On. He Manned Up To It All. In My Opinion That Is The Biggest Step In Helping Yourself. Admission. Acknowledging These Acts Are Responsible For So Much Destruction In His Young Lifetime.
He Took Responsibility For His Action. He Was Willing To Do Whatever It Took To Straighten His Life Out. Being His Father, I Told Him I Would Help Him.
I Found Out Being A Father Wasn't Enough To Save His Life. It Wasn't Enough To Keep My Grandchildrens Father Alive. Alcohol Finally Accomplished It's Devilish Plan To Take My Son. It Robbed Us All A Lifetime Of Memories To Be Made. It Cheated My Youngest Granddaughter From Ever Remembering Her Father's Memory.
If You Can Sense The Bitterness In My Writing You Are Right On.
I Found It To Be Exhausting To Take The Trail Of My Son's Death. All I Wanted Was The Truth. Once That Has Been Established I Will Eventually Find Peace. The Last Piece Of This Puzzle Will Be Arriving In The Mail Soon. This 30 Pages Of Documented Evidence Collected By Trained Professionals Has Been Established. In Florida This Case Is Closed. Since I Am The Only One Who Has Been In Direct Contact With These People In Florida, I Was Told Many Here In Danville Have Doubts He Committed Suicide.
There Reason For This Is Because Bobby Loved Life. All I Can Say To That Is Yes He Did Love Life. Love For Life However Is Not Enough To Keep You Living. Trust Me, I Have Said This Before And I Am Saying It Again. When You Are In Depression You Do Not Think Rationally. Your Options Are Limited. Your Reasoning Is Not Clear.
Some Prefer To Live In Denial When It Comes To The True Cause Of Bobby's Death.
As His Father, Wouldn't You Think If There Were An Ounce Of Doubt About His Death I Would Be All Over It? I Had Questions. I Had Alot Of Them. I Made Sure I Asked Them To The Ones Who Had The Answers. Each One Had Documented Proof To Their Findings.
I Will Read For Myself Each Page Submitted By These Professionals. If I Agree With Their Findings, Which Is Supported By Documented Evidence, I Will Finally Accept Once And For All That My Son Bobby Joe Miller Died From A Self Inflicted Gunshot Wound To His Chest.
At First I Was So Hurt Bobby's Call To Me That Night Was Not Answered. This I Have Been Struggling With. However, We Meet Alcohol Once Again. It's My Opinion It's The Devils Cocktail.
If There Is A Lesson To Be Learned By All Of This Rambling, Let It Be Known That Alcohol Can And Will Destroy Your Life If You Allow It.
There Is Help Out There For Your Depression. If You Can't Take Your Problems To A Professional, Please Take It To Somebody. A Minister, A Friend, A Relative. There Is Somebody Out There Who Does Care. If You Feel There Is No One Who Cares Then Give Me A Call. I May Not Have The Solutions To Your Problems. I Will Promise To Listen. I Will Promise To Pray For You. You See, I Believe In Prayer. If It Were Not For Prayer My Life Would Be Much Different Today.
I'm Not Preaching To Anyone. I'm Not Trying To Force Religion On Anyone. What I Am Telling You Is I Will Be There For You. All You Have To Do Is Have The Courage To Ask. Please Remember I Have Been On The Dark Side Of Death. I Lived It. I Survived It Because I Put All My Faith In God's Hands And Told Him It Was Too Much For Me To Bare. I Allowed God To Lead Me Through This Darkness. I Was Blind And I Knew I Would Never Find My Way Through It. I Found My Peace. Maybe I Can Help Find Your Peace. If You Won't Ask God Then Ask Me. I Will Help Lead You. You Are Not Alone.

Uncle Fred-Feb 16, 1923/February 10, 2011

Below Is A Link I Provided Of A Blog I Had Written Last Spring About My Uncle Fred.
I Was Given The News This Morning That He Passed Away.
A Man I Had Wished I Got To Know Better, But The Miles That Separated Us Made It Nearly Impossible. He Is With The Lord Now. He Is In Good Hands.
My Prayers Of Comfort Go To The Miller Family. God Bless.

http://justcallmemac.blogspot.com/search?q=uncle+fred

God...The Creater

Yes, We All Know God Created Everything. He Creates It All.
It's My Opinion Our Futures Have Already Been Written. It Has Been Written And Directed By God Himself.
I Went To Church This Morning. It Stirred A Lot Of Emotions In Me.
Today Being The First Sunday Of The Month, We Had Communion. There Were Also A Couple People Baptized. A Lady I Believe To Be In Her 60'S Was Given Only Weeks To Live. Apparently She Had Cancer. Whatever Treatment They Used For This Horrible Disease, Cured It, But Damaged Her Heart. Her Family Was There. It Was A Touching Moment.
Today, Somebody Blamed God For Bobby's Passing. He Could Have Prevented This. Yes He Could Have, But Why Blame God? Even Though It's Difficult To Explain, I Feel Closer To God, Again. Yes I Said Again. Whenever I Have Life Changing Tragedy's In My Life I Seek Comfort From God. Selfish Of Me, And Yes I Feel Ashamed. I Hope To Never Distance Myself From Jesus Christ Again. Going To Church Every Sunday Is Suppose To Keep My Faith Strong, By Worshiping Through Fellowship. For The Moment I Will Put The Church Thing On The Back Burner.
Back To This "Acting". It Features Us Leading Our Every Day Lives, Produced And Directed By God. My Son's Journey In Life Lasted 29 Years. Of Course I Expected Him To Grow Old. I Certainly Don't Blame God For Cutting His Life Short. I Will However Celebrate The 29 Years God Gave To Us. Today I Thank Him For Allowing Us To Know Him And Love Him. Some May Find It Convenient To Blame God Every Time Things Go Wrong. Do These Same People Praise Him When Things Go Right?
Sure, I Don't Understand Why Bobby Didn't Outlive Me. It Is My Hopes That One Day I Will See Him Again.
They Say Everything Happens For A Reason. In Bobby's Case It May Have Nothing To Do With Him. I'm Not Into Speculating Because There Could Be Numerous Theory's.
What I Do Know Is We Have A Loving God. Instead Of Concentrating On Bobby's Death, It Would Be Less Complicated If We Were To Just Be Thankful For Having Bobby In Our Lives. Let's Not Forget Bobby's Desire To Give Love.
If We Are Able To Receive Love As Much As We Are Able To Give It, We Will Complete The Cycle Of Experiencing Love With Others For Full And Complete Happiness.
God Knows My Heart. Whether I'm At Church Sunday Morning Or Not, The Gates Of Heaven Will Be Obtainable.
One Of The Good Things About Being Viewed As A Christian. I Don't Have To Belong To An Organized Church To Reach Those Pearly Gates.
God Controls Everything That Has To Do With Life. He Directs It And Produces It.
Today Was A Blessed Day.

4 More Inches Of Snow Today

4 Inches Of New Snow Today. Another 2 Inches Forcasted For Tomorrow.
April Could Not Get Here Fast Enough For Me. I Don't Care How Hot It Gets Next Summer. No Complaints From Me.

This Sign Says It All. Today's Technology Is Killing Us. Using A Cell Phone Is Convienant. I Just Cannot Imagine What Must Go Through Someone's Mind Who Is Trying To Text Message Someone While They Are Driving.
Just The Thought Of It Sends Chills Down My Spine.
This Sign Gives You My Opinion On This Topic.

Happy Groundhog Day!

Does That Mean I Believe In Groundhogs Day? Nope! I Learned A Long Time Ago That Old Wives Tales Are Just That. I Have Proved Almost Every Weather Theory Wrong!
I Use To Hope That The Groundhog Didn't See His Shadow.
You Know When It Will Be Spring?
When Mother Nature Says So!

The Medley

At The Time Of Writing This Blog, The Entire State Of Illinois Is Under A Severe Winter Storm Watch. Even Though I Am Skeptical Of Forecasters, I Do Know It's Not A Beautiful Day In The Park Today.
It's Been Predicted, That This Area Could Get More Than A Foot Of Snow Tonight. We Have Already Received More Than An Inch Of Ice. A Lot Of Homes Are Without Power Right Now. I Pray This Does Not Happen Here. I Will Pray For Those Who Don't Have Power.
I Guess Tonight Is Probably Better Than Ever To Make My Announcement Of The New Blog Space I Have Created. My Danville High School Yearbook Collection Called The "Medley".
I Have Made Two Entries. The Site Is Under Construction. My Cousin Kim Will Help Me Create A Header For This New Blog Site. In The Meantime, I Am Experiementing With Colors, Fonts, Templates, Etc.
In Previous Blogs, I Have Mentioned A Few Times That I Collect Danville High School Yearbooks. The First Book Was Published In 1904.
It All Began When My Mother One Day Handed Me Three Yearbooks, 1929, 1930 & 1931. In One Of These Books My Grandfather's Photo Was Inside. I Got The Bug From Then On. For The Past 25 Years Or Longer, I Have Been Collecting These Books. Two Years Were Giving Me Fits. They Were 1909 & 1911. I Found The 1911 A Couple Years Ago, And Just Recently Found The 1909. I Have Books Starting In 1904 And Continuing To 1993. They Begin Staggering From There. A Few Years Here And There. However, They Are Obtainable Through Danville High School, At Their Cost. I Have Yet To Purchase Any From DHS. What I Do Know Is, The More Recent Copies They Have, The More Expensive They Are. I Have Purchased Most All Of Mine At Rummage Sales, Auctions, Or EBay.
I Will However, Contact The School And See What Years They Have In Stock. If They Are Reasonable, I Will Get Them. If Not, I Will Continue Buying Like I Have Over All Of These Years.
Now Keep In Mind It's Still Under Construction. You Can Though, Take A Sneak Peek. Not Sure How Long It Will Take Me To Enter In The Most Useful Information. One Thing I Do Know. A Lot Of History Are In Those Pages. I Must Also Mention My Most Prized Books In This Collection Are The 1944 That Has Dick Van Dyke. It Is Autographed By Mr Van Dyke. The 1950 Which Has His Brother Jerry. This Book Is Autographed As Well.
Not To Mention Years With My Grandfather, My Mother And Myself.
I Hope You Enjoy Reading.
Click On The Link Above The Time And Temperature.