I Say Farewell, Goodbye To January 2011.
If I Could, I Would Like Not To Look Back At This Horrible Month In My Life.
If I Could Erase It From My Mind, Maybe I Could Pretend For A Moment It Has Been Just A Horrible Nightmare. My Mighty Handsome Son Would Walk Through That Door And Say "What's Up Pop's? Oh God I Wish I Could Hear That One More Time.
So Where Do I Go From Here? Tomorrow We Start A New Fresh Month With No Reminders Of This Most Tragic Death.
My Son. I Can Still Remember That Beautiful Day In July. It Was A Monday. The Exact Day You Were Suppose To Enter This World.
Your Day Brought Us Joy. It Was The 13Th Day. A Number Known For Being Unlucky, Eventually Became A Symbol That Bobby And I Would Make Note Of Over The Years.
His Boyhood Home Was My Boyhood Home. That Address Being 713, The Date Of His Birth. From Time To Time, I Would Make Mention His Number Hit Big With The State Lottery Pick Three. I Assumed He Wanted To Carry On The Tradition Of The B'S. His Mother And Sister's Name Starts With A "B". All Of His Children's Name Start With A "B". Not Only Was It A Tradition On His Mind, A Story Came Along With It.
According To Bobby, 713 Has It's Own Unique Meaning. If You Bring The Number 1 Closer To The Three, It Would Become A "B". The 7 Stood For The Seven B'S In His Life.
Billie, Beckie, Blake, Brittney, Brooklyn, Brianna & Bonnie. The S After The B Was Somer. I Gave Him A Jab In The Shoulder And Told Him I Felt Left Out. His Silence Became A 'Bobby Grin'. He Reminded It All Started With Me.
I Suppose It Was That Sunday In April 1967. I Fondly Remember The Day I First Layed Eyes On His Mother In Sunday School. A Day That Would Be Considered Destiny Or Fate.
If I Had Given Up On Her Because She Didn't Like My Crew Cut. She Begged Her Mother To Say She Wasn't Home When I Came "Courting". This All Would Not Be.
I Took Bobby Mushroom Hunting Once He Learned To Walk. I Always Told Him He Had Better Luck Since He Was Closer To The Ground. One Spring As We Came Out Of The Woods, We Had To Cross A Cow Pasture To Get To The Truck. That Day We Had Better Luck In That Pasture Than We Did In The Woods. As I Stood There Gazing At The 6-8 Inch Mushrooms, I Took A Hold Of His Arm And Told Him To Look. All Around Us Were Close To 50 Yellow Sponge Mushrooms Just Ready To Be Picked. Bobby And I Would Never Forget That Pasture. It Came Up In Conversation Many Times.
I Have So Many Wonderful Stories About Bobby. In Time I Will Share Them.
A New Month Will Start And My Hope The Pain Will Ease. Maybe I Can Look Forward And See A Promise For Better Days Ahead.
Let The Healing Process Begin, After A Month Long Of Mourning. With It Comes Viewing Home Video's And Flipping Through Years Of Snapshots. Floods Of Memories Flash In My Mind As I Remember Each One. From His Skateboarding Days And Really Weird Hair Styles. His Face Full Of Pride When His First Born Arrived. He Had A Special Bond With The Ones He Loved. It Was Always On A Different Level.
I Had A Couple Wishes That Never Came True. My Hopes One Day Was For Him And I To Bowl On The Same Team. I Still Maintain The Memories Of The Many Times We Shot Pool. He Was Good And I'm Glad I Told Him So.
The Hopes And Dreams Are No Longer. Now They Fade Into Memories. I Can Only Look Forward And Make Peace With The Past.
Tomorrow Can Be The Dreams Of Yesterday.

One month Later.......

By The Time You Read This One Month Has Passed Since My Son Bobby Passed Away.
I Will Be So Happy To See This Month Gone Forever. Unfortunately I Must Wait A Couple More Days Before I Flip The Calendar To Welcome February.
So Many Times This Month I Had Wished It Were Summer. In The Warmer Months I Am So Busy Doing Things, It Allows Me To Focus Better.
Allow Me To Reflect On January 2011. Bobby Recently Passed Away In The Early Morning Hours Of December 29th, 2010. A Lot Of Events Have Been Just A Big Blur For Myself.
Bobby Passed Away In Florida. After The Police Investigation And The Autopsy, It Took More Than A Week To Get His Body Back Home In Danville Illinois. This Would Not Have Been Possible Without My Father, Harvey Miller. Bobby Had No Life Insurance. I Had No Idea The Expense Of A Funeral. At First, Our Thinking Was Cremation Because We Were Told It Would Be More Than 10,000.00. I Didn't Have That Kind Of Money. My Father Stepped Forward And Told Me He Would Do What He Could For Us. I Hope To Someday Re-pay Him.
At First His Idea Was To Have Bobby Buried Near My Sister Brenda. I Didn't Want That Because The Distance We Would Have To Travel To Visit Him. I Wanted Him To Be Somewhere Close. Some Place If Our Hearts Felt Empty, We Wouldn't Have Far To Go.
My Parents Called Us And Asked If We Would Like To See The Cemetery In Westville.
As We Rode Around In This Tiny Catholic Cemetery My Mother Reminded Me That Blake Visits Them On Occasions On His Bike. To Me That Was A No Brainer. We Will Place Bobby Near His Children's Homes. They Could Visit His Grave Site Whenever They Felt Like It.
January 2011 Brings A Lot Of Emotions. This Must Have Been The Saddest Birthdays For Both My Father And Sister. Their Birthdays Were Just Days Before Bobby's Funeral.
In Previous Blogs I Mentioned How Close Bobby And I Got This Past Summer. If I Had Known It Would Be Our Last Summer Together I Would Have Made It The Best Summer Ever.
Unfortunately Life Doesn't Work That Way.
My Advice For My Readers. Live Today As If There Is No Tomorrow. If You Truly Love Someone, TELL THEM! Why Is It So Hard For You To Say Those Three Little Words? Those Who Really Matter In Your Life Should Know What They Mean To You. I Have Never Been One To Say I Love You Until I Lost Bobby. I Never Got To Tell Bobby I Loved Him. I Never Got The Chance To Say Goodbye. There Will Be Other Deaths In Your Lifetime When You Don't Have The Chance To Say Goodbye. However, You Do Have The Chance To Tell Them You Love Them. Tell Them Today. Tell Them Tomorrow. Tell Them Every Time You See Them. Today May Be The Last Day You See Them. Don't Have Regrets. I Did, But I'm Going To Learn By It And Not Let It Happen Again.
I Don't Care If You Say It Back To Me. I Figure That's Your Issue And Not Mine.
Recently, A Link To Bobby's Music Video Created By My Niece Tabitha Was Added To This Blog Site. She Did A Wonderful Thing For Us. At Times Like These Most People Don't Know What To Say Or Do. They Just Do What They Do Best. You Can Always Come To This Site When You Feel Like Watching This Music Video Of Bobby.
There Will Many Hurdles In The Future As Far As Dealing With Bobby's Death. Today Is A Hurdle Because It Marks One Month Since He Passed Away.
My Last Note In This Blog Is I Really Don't Want To Bore People When I Write About My Son. If It Bothers You To Read It I Am Not Sorry. Writing My Thoughts Eases My Pain. Maybe I Will Get Back To Writing Like I Use To Someday. Yet Again, Maybe Not.

Does It Ever Get Better?

Recently I have Been Told In Time It Will Get Better. Now Don't Get Me Wrong, Each Of These People Meant Well When They Told Me This. Time...Is A Second, Minute, Hour, Day, Week, Month, Year, Or Years!
Last Night I Began Watching The Home Movies I Shot Of The Family Back In The Day. Yes I Cried While Watching Some Of Them. I Didn't Watch Them To Torture Myself In Grief. Maybe I Should Have Let Some Time Pass Before I Began Viewing Them. Then Again, Maybe Not. When Is A Good Time? Billie Has Been Going Through Old Photo's, Which We Have A Lot Of. I Haven't Yet, But I Plan To Ask Billie If She Feels Cheated By There Not Being Many Photo's Of Her With The Kids? Other Than Professional Portraits Taken In A Photographers Studio. Snap Shots Over The Years Were Mostly Taken By Billie. The Video's Taken By Myself. It Kinda Hurts I Wasn't In These Video's But You Could Hear Me Talking Or Laughing While Shooting Them.
I Still Have Many Tapes To Go Through, But I Must Say It Pretty Much Evens Out That I Have A Lot Of Footage On Both Beckie And Bobby.
Billie Made The Comment To Me The Other Day That Bobby Enjoyed Life. I Really Didn't Give Her A Response Because I Didn't Have One. After Viewing These Video's Of Him Growing Up I Would Have To Agree. He Was Always Laughing And Hamming It Up In Front Of The Video Camera. I Almost Forgot That Until I Started Watching The Video's.
I Imagine This Is What Confuses Billie The Most. How Someone Who Loved Life, Would End It.
Most Of My Readers Are Aware Of The Dark Side Of My Life. I Call It The Dark Side Because Looking Back At Those Days Over 30 Years Ago I Saw Sadness. I Saw Depression. When My Life Began Crashing Down Around Me, My World Got Smaller. When I Thought My Life Was Over, Not Once Did I Think Of My Parents. Not Once Did I Think Of My Sisters Or My Brothers. I Had No Idea The Impact It Would Leave On Their Lives By Taking Mine.
So In Actuality I Knew Bobby's Thinking. He Didn't Commit Suicide To Hurt His Mother Or Myself. Even Though We Took It Personal, He Never Meant To Put Us In This Hell We Have Lived Since His Death. I Shared This With My Family In Hopes They Would Better Understand, And Not Take It Personally. When You Are In Depression Your Thinking Is Not Rational. Your Choices Become Limited. If I Had Only Seen The Signs. In Bobby's Last Days I Know I Would Have Seen These Signs Had I Talked To Him More On The Telephone. I'm Not Saying If I Did Recognize The Signs, I Could Have Prevented Him From Taking His Life. I Had Been Suicidal For Years. If A Day Would Come That I No Longer Wanted To Continue Life, I Would End It. Some People Flaunt Their Thoughts Of Suicide To Others. The Ones Who Are Serious About It Just Do It.
As Much As It Pains Me, I Will Continue To View These Home Video's. I Know Some Days Will Be Better Than Others. I Will See The Bobby We All Knew And Loved. Very Few People That Knew Bobby, Ever Saw The Dark Side Of Him. Otherwise He Was Always Happy Go Lucky Bobby.
I Don't Think He Ever Wanted Us To Look At Him In A Different Way. I Think He Wanted Us To Remember Him Fondly. Joking, Cutting Up And Enjoying Life Is What Bobby's Life Was All About.
The Dark Side Of Bobby. I Thank God I Didn't Have To See It. I Look At It This Way. I Don't Think Bobby Wanted Anyone To See That Side. He Wanted Us To Remember Him As He Was.
So All In All The Gift Bobby Gave To The Ones He Loved Was The Memories He left Behind. He Didn't Want It To Be Any Other Way. So I Will Try To Remember That As I View His Life He Wanted Us To Remember.

A Sign For Billie

We(Family) Continue To Grieve Over The Loss Of Bobby. Sometimes I Envision Him Walking Through That Door At Any Moment.
I Told You In A Blog That I Got A Sign From Bobby. I Know Now That Bobby Can Hear Me Talk To Him.
When I Told Billie He Can Hear Us Talk, I Meant Her As Well. Apparently She Thinks She Needs A Sign To Confirm That He Hears Her Too.
This Has Been Heavy On Her Heart. She Reminded Me This Morning She Continues To Watch For A Sign. I Asked Her If She Held The Memory Stone Of Him. She Has Prayed For A Sign, Still No Sign.
My Sign Came To Me As That Stop Arm On The School Bus Just Moments After Asking For A Sign. I Suppose A Sign Can Be In Different Forms.
Billie Got Her Sign This Afternoon And I'm Not Sure She Recognized It Until I Brought It To Her Attention.
Billie Called Me While I Was Playing Cards At My Parents House This Afternoon. She Wanted Me To Stop And Pick Up My Grandson Blake On My Way Home. So I Did, And Blake Is Here. Billie Came In And Told Me Blake Is Being Rotten. I Asked Her To Explain.
She Told Me He Is Being Ornery. Just Like Bobby Did All The Time.
I Just Stared At Her. I Looked At Her And Told Her I Believe That Sign Was Just Delivered. Bobby Can Be Seen Through His Son. When She Seeks Comfort For The Emptiness She Feels For Bobby, She Can Find It By Looking Into The Eyes Of Blake. Bobby Can Be Seen In His Other Creations, In That Of Brittney, Brooklyn And Brianna. He Lives On In The Children He Loved.

Billie's Plea For A Sign Bothered Me Most Of The Afternoon. I Wanted Peace For Her. The Devastating Loss We Both Share Can Only Find Peace In Knowing He Is With Us Always. Blake's Playfulness Brought The Bobby Out Of Him.
If Billie Wants To Feel Close To Bobby, She Will Find Him In All His Children.

I Miss My Son

An Angel Of A Different Size

I Buried My Son Yesterday. It Was The Hardest Thing I Ever Had To Do. Saying Goodbye With Hopes Of Seeing One Another Again Someday. The Funeral Brought Family And Friends Offering Their Condolences And Prayers. The Service Became Standing Room Only.
Bobby Was Laid To Rest In St Peter & Paul Cemetery Located In Westville.
At The Conclusion Of The Graveside Service We Returned To The Church Where We Were Given A Dinner.
Unfortunately The Sadness Doesn't Stop There. We Returned Home To Find Our House Broken Into. Numerous Items In Our Home Were Gone. Including A Watch That Belonged To Bobby. We Had It Laying Next To An 8x10 Photograph Of Him. Our Surround Sound System For Our Television. All Of Billie's Medicine Was Taken Along With Numerous Video Games That Belonged To My Grandson. We Continue To Find Things That Were Stolen. With People Bringing In Food, Our Refrigerator Was Full. Two Large Containers Of Chicken Were Taken As Well. Most Importantly An X Box 360 That My Grandson Received For Christmas, A Gift From His Mother. These Thieves Took Advantage Of A Family In Grief. This Thief Must Have Known We Were To Be Gone A Good Portion Of The Day.
Our Front Door Was Kicked In Damaging The Door Frame. My Nephew Toby Is Skillful In Home Projects. After Learning What Happened He Immediately Came To The House With Tools In Hand. Our Son Mike Ready To Assist Where Needed. He Informed Me That In Spite Of The Door Not Being Damaged, The Exterior Doors Today Come With A Built In Frame. He Wasn't Sure Whether He Could Re-Frame The Door.
Off To The Home Improvement Store, Toby And Mike Were On A Mission. Long Story Short Mike & Toby Worked Well Together And Accomplished The Repair.
I Failed To Mention One Of The Most Significant Incidents That Happened That Day. Toby Brought His Son Nick. He Was Carrying A Bag When He Entered Our Home. Inside This Bag Was An X Box 360 That He Received For Christmas. He Told Us He Wanted My Grandson To Have It. Tears Began Flowing Down My Cheek. An 11 Year Old Child With A Heart Of Gold. He Sacrificed A Cherished Gift So Another Could Find Happiness Once Again.
I Looked At That Boy And Asked Him To Step In The Other Room With Me. When It Was Just Him And I He Saw My Teary Eyes As I Searched For The Words I Wanted To Say To Him.
Of Course I Told Him How Proud I Was Of Him For Doing What He Did. Most Importantly I Told Him I May Not Be Around To See It But I Knew One Day He Will Achieve His Rightful Place On This Earth. With The Likes Of Abraham Lincoln Or Martin Luther King Jr, I Truly Believe He Will One Day Become Known World Wide For His Generosity Or Kindness For Others.
Of Course This Is Just Speculation On My Part. However, I Believe Greatness Begins At Home. I Believe Nick Has His Rightful Place In Today And Tomorrows Society. He May Not Be Able To Better This World Alone But I Do Believe In My Heart He Will One Day Become A Household Name.
I Have Met Generous People Throughout My Years, But Never Someone Of His Character And Being So Young.
All I Can Say Is I'm Honored To Watch This Young Man Grow Up In A Simple Life In A Simple Midwestern Town.
When You Accomplish Greatness In This World And Shrug It Off As Not Being Noteworthy, This Is What Separates Greatness And Selfishness.
This Young Man Gives Me Hope For Tomorrow. Did I Forget To Mention His Mother's Name Is Angel?
God Bless Nick....The Son Of An Angel

Time for me to go now, I won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky.
In the morning sunrise when all the world is new,
Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Time for me to leave you, I won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, high up in the sky.
In the evening sunset, when all the world is through,
Just look for me and love me, and I'll be close to you.

It won't be forever, the day will come and then
My loving arms will hold you, when we meet again.

Time for us to part now, we won't say goodbye;
Look for me in rainbows, shining in the sky.
Every waking moment, and all your whole life through
Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Just wish me to be near you,
And I'll be there with you.

It Was Not Just A School Bus

This Past Week Has Just Been A Blur. I Have Found It Most Difficult To Comfort Billie. I Suppose It's A Natural Emotion To Place Blame On Yourself. I Believe The Old Saying, Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda Applies In This Case. What If's?
Even Though We Don't Have All The Answers, There Is So Much We Don't Understand.
Please Allow Me To Share A Special Moment That Happened To Me Today.
I Finally Had Some Alone Time. I Was Driving Down The Road When I Finally Asked Bobby If He Could Hear Me. No Use Rattling Stuff Off If He Couldn't Hear Me. I Said Bobby, Please Give Me A Sign You Can Hear Me. I Don't Want To Scream, Holler Or Cuss Unless I Knew You Can Hear Me. SHOW ME A SIGN BOBBY!
All Of A Sudden A School Bus Traveling Toward Me Turned On It's Flashing Lights, Then The Stop Arm Came Out. So Those Few Minutes Gave Me The Opportunity To Finally Realize Our Words To Those On The Other Side Are Actually Heard. As The Bus Began Pulling Away The Driver Gave Me A Wave. That Gave Me Comfort, That Gave Me Peace.

Writing An Obituary

I Have Never Written An Obituary In My Life. None Less My Own Son's.
I Have Learned Many Years Ago That There Is A Reason For Everything. We May Not Understand It Today Or Tomorrow. I Believe We May Never Understand It.
As Most Of My Readers Know, I Lost My Son Bobby Last Wednesday December 29th. It Has Been Difficult For Me To Think Straight Since I First Learned Of His Passing. One Thing I Know For Sure Is Writing Down My Thoughts Are Very Therapeutic For Me. However I Am At A Loss For Words.
Bobby Was A Wonderful Person Deep Inside. He Knew Family Was The Most Important Thing On This Earth. In Spite Of His Shortcomings, The End Conclusion Of Bobby's Character Was His Love For His Children. Contrary To What Some People Thought Of Him I Knew His Heart. Let Me Say This. There Was Only One Perfect Man Who Walked This Earth. He Had His Problems That Needed To Be Worked Out. His Journey Was To Find Work In His Trade As A Welder. There Were No Good Paying Jobs In What He Was Skilled At In This Area. This Adventure Was In Hopes Of Turning His Life Around And Do What Was Right For His Children. His Ultimate Goal Was To Have His Children's Love And Respect. He Wanted To Prove Wrong To Those Who Doubted His Ability To Be A Good Father. To Some I Could Talk Forever And They Would Never Change Their Opinion Of Him. Without A Doubt His Children Were His Life.
Bobby And I Shared A Lot Over This Past Summer As He Rode And Helped Me In My Truck.
We Had Our Special Moments And I Am Comforted By It. Those Memories Of Him I Will Cherish For The Rest Of My Days. By Appointing Him To Serve On The Board Of Directors Of The Robin Hood Foundation Of Danville Gave Him A Purpose. He Often Told Me How Proud He Was Of Me For What I Did For The Poor People Of My Community. I Reminded Him I Could Never Do This Alone, And He Was A Big Part Of It. I Often Joked With Bobby I Should Be Known As The Best Dressed Man In Danville Because Of The Loads Of Donated Clothing I Distributed To Those Less Fortunate. However He Knew I Was Too Busy To Shop For Myself. For Those Who Knew Bobby, His Attire Was His Strength. Even Though There Were Times I Questioned His Fashion, I Reminded Myself In Years We Were A Generation Apart.
We Would Share Our Laughs At What He Thought Was Cool Looking, But At The End Of The Day I Would Always Find A Pile Of Clothes That Bobby Sorted Out For Me.
I Have These Clothes And Will Wear Them With Pride And Love, In Remembrance Of My Son.
All For Now.