I'm Not The Same Person Anymore

As I Mask My Emotions And Try To Convince Those Around Me That Every Day Is Rosy, I Know The Truth As It's Etched Deep Into My Heart.
I Have Suffered From Depression For Many Years. Actually, Manic Depression Is What Was Finally Diagnosed And Applied In Print For The State Of My Mental Health.
Since 1986 I Have Been Taking Medication For This Disorder. I Have Tried Earnestly To Blend In With Every Day People Of Society. I Feel I Have Accomplished This.
I Have Been The Director Of The Robin Hood Foundation Of Danville. This Is A Not For Profit Organization That Focuses On Helping Low Income Families. A Mission I Have Been Devoted To For The Past 25 Years. My Passion And MY Strength Comes From The Charitable Work That I Do In My Community. It Allows Me To Focus On The Good And Positive Things In Life.
There Have Been Incidents In Years Past That I Feel I Have Helped Others Because They Chose To Come To Me With Their Problems. Why Me? I Think It Was Me Because They Were Somewhat Aware That I Have Struggled With Divorce, Depression & Suicide. Two Of These Incidents Is What Brought These Friends To Me. For Whatever Reason They Decided Not To Seek Professional Help Gives Me Reason To Believe They Wanted To Hear It From A Person Who Knows The Pain. You Can Be Book Smart But Lack The True Understanding Of How It Truly Feels. I Would Like To Think I Helped Those Two Who Came To Me. I Know They Are Leading Productive Lives Today In My Community.
It Pleases Me That Others View Me As Approachable And Show The Willingness To Talk.
I Don't Know If My Life Will Take Me Into A Different Direction. The Death Of My Son Was Such A Devastating Blow To My Heart. My Son Reached Out To Me Moments Before His Death. His Telephone Call Was Not Answered. Twice That Night He Called And Got The Answering Machine. For More Than Two Weeks I Left His Last Message To Me On This Machine. I Finally Asked If Anyone Wanted It Because I Could Not Bare To Ever Listen To It Again. He Reached Out To Me, And I Had The Telephone Handset In Another Room So It Would Not Disturb Me While I Slept. This Was A Common Practice For Me To Do Every Night, Because I Have Received Calls Very Early In The Morning That Had To Do With The Robin Hood Foundation. Sometimes The Phone Would Ring As Early As 6:00am.
The Sad Truth Of This Is Bobby Knew I Did This. However, Bobby Was Intoxicated And Was Unable To Remember This. He May Have Been Confused As To Why Nobody Answered His Cries That Night. His Mother Would Always Have Her Cell Phone Under Her Pillow Each Night. It Was Not Uncommon For Her To Be Talking Late At Night With Bobby. He Knew She Was Always Just A Phone Call Away. However, That Night Her Cell Phone Was Under Her Pillow But Turned Off. She Had No Idea Why. She Still Questions It Today. Her Pain Is Unbearable And Heartbreaking.
What I Do Know Is I Am Not The Same Person Anymore. I Have Talked With Police Investigators, Medical Examiners And Coroners Since My Son Passed Away. I Have Held Tearful Conversations On Different Occasions With These Professional Individuals.
I Have Received The Autopsy Results Performed On My Son. My Only Prayer Answered After Reading It Was The Alcohol Content In His Blood System. I Knew All Along My Son Was Not In His Right Mind. That One Hot Summer Night Last Year When I Witnessed Bobby So Intoxicated He Had No Idea Who I Was. You Could Not Carry On A Conversation With Him. He Would Stare A Hole Right Through You. It May Have Been Bobby's Body That Night But No Way Was My Son There. The Police Were Called Three Times That Night. We Were Not Acquainted With This Person And This Was The Only Time In My Life I Was Fearful Of My Own Son. However This Had Been The Dark Secret Bobby Has Kept From Me And His Mother. Other's Who Loved Bobby Met This Dark Side Of Him And They Too Never Wanted To Come Face To Face With That Kind Of Evil Again.
The Following Day I Sat Bobby Down And Told Him I Never Ever Wanted To See That Side Of Him Again. He Explained To Me The Only Time This Happens Is When He Drank The Hard Liquor. Bobby Was Known To Be A Beer Drinker. Anything Stronger Than That Was Asking For Trouble.
So Why Am I Going On Like This? First, Let Me Tell You I Am Anti-Alcohol. I Believe Alcohol Killed My Son. I Sat My Son Down One Day And Told Him Alcohol Has Ruined His Life. He Lost Relationships. He Lost Employment. He Lost His Drivers License. It Went On And On. He Manned Up To It All. In My Opinion That Is The Biggest Step In Helping Yourself. Admission. Acknowledging These Acts Are Responsible For So Much Destruction In His Young Lifetime.
He Took Responsibility For His Action. He Was Willing To Do Whatever It Took To Straighten His Life Out. Being His Father, I Told Him I Would Help Him.
I Found Out Being A Father Wasn't Enough To Save His Life. It Wasn't Enough To Keep My Grandchildrens Father Alive. Alcohol Finally Accomplished It's Devilish Plan To Take My Son. It Robbed Us All A Lifetime Of Memories To Be Made. It Cheated My Youngest Granddaughter From Ever Remembering Her Father's Memory.
If You Can Sense The Bitterness In My Writing You Are Right On.
I Found It To Be Exhausting To Take The Trail Of My Son's Death. All I Wanted Was The Truth. Once That Has Been Established I Will Eventually Find Peace. The Last Piece Of This Puzzle Will Be Arriving In The Mail Soon. This 30 Pages Of Documented Evidence Collected By Trained Professionals Has Been Established. In Florida This Case Is Closed. Since I Am The Only One Who Has Been In Direct Contact With These People In Florida, I Was Told Many Here In Danville Have Doubts He Committed Suicide.
There Reason For This Is Because Bobby Loved Life. All I Can Say To That Is Yes He Did Love Life. Love For Life However Is Not Enough To Keep You Living. Trust Me, I Have Said This Before And I Am Saying It Again. When You Are In Depression You Do Not Think Rationally. Your Options Are Limited. Your Reasoning Is Not Clear.
Some Prefer To Live In Denial When It Comes To The True Cause Of Bobby's Death.
As His Father, Wouldn't You Think If There Were An Ounce Of Doubt About His Death I Would Be All Over It? I Had Questions. I Had Alot Of Them. I Made Sure I Asked Them To The Ones Who Had The Answers. Each One Had Documented Proof To Their Findings.
I Will Read For Myself Each Page Submitted By These Professionals. If I Agree With Their Findings, Which Is Supported By Documented Evidence, I Will Finally Accept Once And For All That My Son Bobby Joe Miller Died From A Self Inflicted Gunshot Wound To His Chest.
At First I Was So Hurt Bobby's Call To Me That Night Was Not Answered. This I Have Been Struggling With. However, We Meet Alcohol Once Again. It's My Opinion It's The Devils Cocktail.
If There Is A Lesson To Be Learned By All Of This Rambling, Let It Be Known That Alcohol Can And Will Destroy Your Life If You Allow It.
There Is Help Out There For Your Depression. If You Can't Take Your Problems To A Professional, Please Take It To Somebody. A Minister, A Friend, A Relative. There Is Somebody Out There Who Does Care. If You Feel There Is No One Who Cares Then Give Me A Call. I May Not Have The Solutions To Your Problems. I Will Promise To Listen. I Will Promise To Pray For You. You See, I Believe In Prayer. If It Were Not For Prayer My Life Would Be Much Different Today.
I'm Not Preaching To Anyone. I'm Not Trying To Force Religion On Anyone. What I Am Telling You Is I Will Be There For You. All You Have To Do Is Have The Courage To Ask. Please Remember I Have Been On The Dark Side Of Death. I Lived It. I Survived It Because I Put All My Faith In God's Hands And Told Him It Was Too Much For Me To Bare. I Allowed God To Lead Me Through This Darkness. I Was Blind And I Knew I Would Never Find My Way Through It. I Found My Peace. Maybe I Can Help Find Your Peace. If You Won't Ask God Then Ask Me. I Will Help Lead You. You Are Not Alone.